💌 IL # 31: Learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable
A how-to guide and some reading recommendations
Hey there!
This week’s issue is about how to step out of your comfort zone. If you’re someone who’s already intentional about this, I’d love to hear your story and celebrate with you!
According to Chip Heath and Dan Heath, our proudest moments are either of these three:
Feelings of pride toward the people we love
When we overcome barriers and get recognized for it
When we stood up for someone
One summer when I was 18, I gathered the courage to text a cute boy which led to us hanging out. He's now my husband. I'm an introvert who loves to do solitary work but I'd do sales work so I can practice my persuasive skills. I did pole dancing because I wanted to be less self-conscious.
My source of pride comes from the fact that doing these didn't come easy for me and I had to muster a lot of effort to show up.
To learn and grow, we have to step out of our comfort zone. It's like when we're checking out if the water is cold, it's either we use our toes to check or we dive into it.
How to (safely) step out of your comfort zone
Know the difference between safety and comfort
Sticking to the swimming analogy, it feels safe to swim if the water is calm. There are no sharks to gobble us up once we get in. We have a vest on or we're skilled at swimming. Or there's a lifesaver keeping watch. You'll be more comfortable swimming when you have a well-fitting swimsuit on and the water temperature is to your liking.
You can make others feel safe by minimizing danger. It's one of the basic needs and when we care for a person, we ensure this for them. Safety is a priority while comfort is secondary.
When you try to make others comfortable, it's a hit or miss. It's up to the person to decide if they feel comfortable or not. You can only control so much.
A sense of safety precludes the willingness for discomfort. You can only let yourself out of your comfort zone. If you want someone to do it, give them a safe space to do so.
Know the boundaries of your comfort zone
Our comfort zone consists of our habits and routines. The norms we're used to. It's our usual order of grande chilled Americano with 2 pumps of sugar-free vanilla syrup. We avoid confronting unpleasant past experiences again. Like dating a colleague or someone with a tongue ring.
Our comfort zone gives us a fuzzy feeling of predictability. It saves us the cognitive load of anticipating unknown consequences. These are the things that worked, are working, and will work.
We have boundaries between what's comfortable and uncomfortable. Some are non-negotiable, like being comfortable with monogamy or not doing drugs. Some can be negotiable, like wearing the color red or prints on prints. Or trying out new cuisine.
✅ Exiting the Comfort Zone Checklist
Now that you know these two, here are ways you can step out of your comfort zone:
1. Lean into the discomfort
Sit in a quiet place and remember the last time you felt uncomfortable. Was it when you had to present in front of people you find intimidating? What did it feel like? How did you react to it? What did you do to remove this feeling?
Knowing these answers will make you aware of how your body reacts to discomfort.
2. List down the things you want to do outside your comfort zone
Do not overthink this and do a brain dump for 5 minutes. It can be as little as trying out a new flavor of ice cream or as extreme as applying for a new job abroad
Then write down the cost of not doing it AND if you do it. Evaluating the risk of not doing it vs. doing helps you narrow down the things you really need to do in order for you to grow.
3. Set yourself up to do the uncomfortable
If you're more intentional about it, the more likely it will happen. From your list, identify the scenarios where you will have to confront discomfort.
If your comfort zone is talking to a small group of people but you want to improve public speaking, what will this look like?
Write down the next steps and commit to when you're going to do them. This is not the time to enroll in a course or to buy a book. Use the awareness you developed from #1 to guide you.
When you step out of your comfort zone, you allow yourself to grow and come from a place of curiosity.
Suggested reads to help you leave your comfort zone:
Skin in the Game - Nassim Nicholas Taleb
The Power of Moments - Chip Heath & Dan Heath
The Artist’s Way - Julia Cameron
Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization - Scott Barry Kaufman (My book notes)
The Gifts of Imperfection - Brene Brown
Issue # 29 on using procrastination as a cushion for your comfort zone
‘til next week!
Bituin💫